Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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