Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
