Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
