I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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