John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
