I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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