1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
