i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
cat food counts as protein by the way
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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