Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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