I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
