Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
