do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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