cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
