my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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