His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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