Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one