U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
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You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS