Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
