I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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