Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
