on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
