I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
