i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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