My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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