DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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