pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
is wine microwaveable?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
