I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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