my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
