So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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