i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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