Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
