I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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