6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
