i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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