I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
