Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
