fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
