Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
