i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
