Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
