Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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