I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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