FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He shit in the fireplace
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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