you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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