oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you win again, gameday.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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