Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
