My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
