I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
