Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
