genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
