4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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