Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
