now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
