I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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