Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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