having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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