Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
