never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
