Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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