walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
