I wish I could teleport
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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