Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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