You really coming over, don't trick.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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